Doctor warns against this surprisingly stupid XXX-mas trend: Don’t masturbate with ornaments

Here’s one way to ensure you have a happy and healthy XXXmas.

A United Kingdom doctor is raising eyebrows across social media by warning people of the dangers of masturbating with ornaments come Christmastime — which is apparently an actual trend.

“It is not advisable to masturbate with Christmas ornaments,” Dr. Sarah Welsh, a gynecologist, told NeedToKnow.Online. She was listing the dildo’s and don’ts of the scandalous Yuletide tradition, which sees people hospitalized after getting frisky with everything from glass baubles to candy canes.

Indeed, trying to make Christmas come early with ornaments is apparently hazardous to one’s health.

“Christmas ornaments can have sharp aspects or pieces that can break during masturbation, which can cause soreness, the risk of trauma and are just generally unsuitable for your vagina,” warned Welsh, who co-founded the condom brand Hanx. In other words, leave your elf on the shelf come Christmastime.

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Even Christmas confections pose a threat “due to the hygiene issues, concern about pieces breaking off, or the sugar content of items such as candy canes,” the gyno warned holiday pleasure hunters. “Anything with sugar in it, such as Christmas confectionery, should also stay well away from the vagina as this disrupts the delicate ecosystem of the vaginal microbiome and can predispose you to vaginal thrush infections.”

Refraining from pleasuring oneself these so-called sex-mas toys might seem like a no-brainer; however, this unfortunate phenomenon is more common than one would think, with one case study from 2013 mentioning people inserting glass baubles and even “turkey basters” in themselves. Meanwhile, a social media post in a paramedic Facebook group described instances of holiday hornballs improvising with a candy cane and a tree decoration, along with photos showing the graphic X-rays from each.

“These X-rays show a candy cane and a Christmas tree ball ornament stuck in rectums,” read the caption. “Ya know, for the holidays.”

According to data from the UK’s National Electronic Injury Surveillance System, there were 13,213 cases in which people ages 25 to 64 inserted “decorating items” in their bodies in 2021 alone, Jam Press reported.

Go figure: Experts attributed the use of these festive foreign objects to “autoeroticism,” which Merriam-Webster defines as the “sexual gratification obtained solely through stimulation by oneself of one’s own body.”

It’s not just Yuletide baubles that have been found in peculiar orifices. Last fall, a randy Michigander got six kidney beans lodged in his urethra during a bizarre attempt at sexual gratification — known in the medical community as “sounding.” Meanwhile, in September, a 27-year-old man in India had to be hospitalized after allegedly shoving a deodorant canister up his butt, where it remained for three weeks before doctors removed it.

Welsh sums up her thoughts on the practice like this: “There are many suitable, and certified, sex toys on the market available that will do a much better job.”