Rancho La Puerto unveils clinic with EU-approved treatments

FDA? FDA? We don’t need no stinking FDA!

In Tecate, Baja California, a 45-minute drive or 15-minute helicopter ride from San Diego, California, Mexico’s most legendary wellness retreat Rancho La Puerta will soon offer the beautiful people cutting-edge treatments previously unavailable outside the European Union.

Founded in 1940, the sprawling 4,000-acre resort — known for hosting celebs like Oprah Winfrey, Kate Winslet and Jane Fonda — is rapidly expanding its offerings, adding a community of 113 new luxury turnkey residences with price tags ranging from $750,000 to $1.6 million.

But to lure the superrich into buying their fourth or fifth home on the opposite side of the border wall, Rancho CEO Roberto Arjona said they have to reassure their guests that they will continue to have the best of everything.

“One of the worrisome parts of moving to a different country are emergencies: What happens if I need a doctor?” said Arjona, who works with the original Rancho founder, 99-year-old Deborah Szekley. “Our answer to that is a partnership with a US medical entity that has the certification, the credibility, but also has the knowhow on alternative medicine and procedures. That will bring some peace of mind.”

Rancho will also open a new clinic that will be able to address all that ails you — for anything major, Global Secure, a company that provides field medical evacuation, can whisk you back to Cali. But as an added bonus, residents will want to drop by for yet-to-be-named procedures straight out of a Swiss resort (think stem cell therapies) that our bureaucratic medical approval system has been slow to greenlight.

“There’s a great need in the United States, within the celebrity community and within the sports community,” said Arjona. “They are getting injured. They are getting overworked and they need more organic alternative treatments to get back on their feet.”

Of course, you don’t have to wait for the clinic to open to get your healing on. Rancho’s spa is practically mandatory for guests — it’s kind of what you are there for — and the menu of cleansing treatments is vast. There’s something called Biodynamic Craniosacral Therapy (50 minutes for $120). There’s a variety of “energy medicines,” from the ubiquitous reiki to the rarified Neuro-linguistic Programming (also $120 for 50 minutes).

There is even “Water Dance,” which is “an underwater three-dimensional journey where time and space lose their meaning” ($175 for 50 minutes).

If that’s what their spa looks like, just imagine what they can do in a full-scale medical facility.

Fall rates start at $4,650 for a week stay.